plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
