Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
