I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
