Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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