you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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