smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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