Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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