im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
