This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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