I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
