It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
love makes seman taste better
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
