Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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