those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
