just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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