Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
