i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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