I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
