I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
