Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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