I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we're making bets on your personal life
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
