I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
