About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
