You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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