New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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