My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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