If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
