WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
