It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
