i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
