You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
