Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
