I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
