I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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