My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
