I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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