Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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