Is it normal to miss your booty call?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
