It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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