Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
