Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Your cock deserves a montage
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Who died my cat blue again?
how drunk are you?
Several
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
