Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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