shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
