We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize