I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
