I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
