it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
