you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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