Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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