wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
