He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
