swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
