But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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