Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
