He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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