i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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