...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
