Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize