Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
