This is not my ceiling
I could make wine with my vomit
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
