is your mom at the bar?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So. Much. Porn.
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