Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
