apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
