I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You dont lie about slip and slides
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
